Jenni

(I'm going to copy these from facebook notes, because I'm lazy and don't want to go over it AGAIN.)

My brother Randy's wife, who is the mother of his daughter Christiana, died last night.

They have been, for lack of a better term, estranged for quite some time.

Tina was with her boyfriend, who was very very drunk, in the car. Please don't drink and drive. He was on the interstate and stopped in the middle of the lane, and shut his lights off. Don't know why. The police told my grandmother that he was so drunk he probably thought he was home. He's in jail now.

A man came up behind them on the interstate, saw the car too late, and tried to swerve. His vehicle ended up driving over the passenger side of the car. It didn't kill her instantly, they were cutting the car open to get her out when she passed. She was six months pregnant.

Her boyfriend didn't have a scratch on him.

She wasn't innocent... the tox screen came back positive for cocaine and alcohol. But that baby WAS.

Tina's next of kin was my brother, because apparently the woman I thought was her mother was her foster mother, they never adopted her.

I hate drug addictions. I hate drinking and driving. These things harm so many other people in your life. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Tina and I didn't get along very well, but I am horrified by this.

Tina wanted to be cremated. My grandmother informed us (via my mother) that the father of the baby (neither her boyfriend or my brother) apparently has the option to have the baby buried... by removing it. This also horrifies me.

My grandmother, an avid police-scanner-listener, heard it all, when they called the ambulance, when they called the coroner, only finding out a few hours later that it was Tina.

My mom's going down there today. I want to go and help out, but I'm afraid. When I'm upset I retreat back to things I know, places that make me comfortable, and here in this chair and this room is my safety net. Down there I have the possibility of freaking out and not having anywhere to go to feel safe. Down there I may get angry about this, like I'm feeling now, and not have anywhere to go so I don't end up screaming at someone. I want to help. I feel useless


(update)
I got off the phone with mom a little bit ago.

Tina's boyfriend Chris beat her to death and left her in the car on the highway to make it look like an accident. The coroner found out that she was dead a full hour before the accident took place. The man driving the car that hit theirs said Chris wasn't even IN the car, he was walking around outside it.

According to my mother, they're advertising on TV news asking for any information. She also said my brother Randy found out from a guy at the bar they'd been drinking at that they got into a fight earlier that evening about him being "mean" to her.

The reason they found out was because they attempted to save the baby, which apparently is possible within 30 minutes of the mother's death, even though only being 6 months pregnant the baby wouldn't have had much of a chance anyway.

I'm... not going to be myself for a little while. I'm very upset, and I'm sorry, but I'm really having trouble dealing with this. It's... hard to wrap my brain around the idea that there could be that much anger in someone's heart.

I know I've talked to a few people about it, and I know I've blown off quite a few people lately. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just figured I should let everyone know about it.

The Newport News has an obit up. http://www.newportindependent.com/obituaries/x1518877944/Tina-Lynn-Sims-Copeland?popular=true

So I may be unavailable or not chatty at the least for awhile, please don't blame me. I'm just...

I don't know.

I know I'm not posting for shit. Sorry.

Em, Sonic, and Sassypants were over here and we were cleaning, and I was showing everyone video of Em and I very much younger at dance recitals. I mentioned while watching it that I looked pissed- and then mentioned/remembered why. Jer. didn't bother showing up until it was almost over.

Then the video fo the recital was over, and there he was, the back of him, facing me, and I looked at him, and I could see myself gauging his mood, trying to decide the best course of action to keep his anger at bay.

Seeing photos of him is sometimes hard when I stumble upon them.

Seeing video of myself cowing like that... and then remembering...

( the bad things )

The second he came onto the screen my hand was on the stop button, but I stared, and I watched, and I remembered. And somewhere far away, eons away, I was thinking I should hit the stop button, but it... it was like when phone lines cross over... a murmur of far away voices that really don't mean anything to you.

I finally hit stop, but the emotions were already there... disgust, guilt, anger at myself, that constant feeling that I always did... always will... deserve that. And my friends are all sitting around me and I realize this time, I can't stop it before it's seen, and on top of everything else, I feel... stupid, weak, useless. Crazy.

So I'm frankly afraid to go to sleep. I'll dream when I sleep. And I don't want to dream of that. Not of him. None of it.

Haven't hardly been sleeping at all, and woke up from my (so far record-breaking) FOUR hours of sleep to my entire skeleton feeling like I was dropped down a very long flight of stairs. I mean, this is a whole new level of pain, and it's all over, and I am EXHAUSTED.

Hung out with my puppy for awhile this morning. Feel bad that I've lost all energy. Poor Conrí.